Reunion, Part 2: We Are Family (Tom)

Growing up, I never had much family around me. We moved a lot, so it was just my sister, me, and my parents. My father was an only child, and because we were in other parts of the world, the cousins on my mother's side of the family were not nearby. The only time I had experience with extended family gatherings was during the two years I lived with my grandparents. Later, however, family politics kept us apart with them until I was well into adulthood.

Marrying Lori created a whole new sense of family. She had uncles and aunts and more cousins than I could keep track of. The family was very close knit and I quickly became part of fabulous new traditions around Christmas, birthdays, Easter, and even vacations. It is great to have people you can count on and in turn can count on you. When her grandparents were alive, holidays meant gatherings of at least thirty people crowded into a small two bedroom house. While there were occasionally family politics, those days were full of joy and were very special. Sometimes we joked about how hospitals needed a special wing for the family, as when someone was ill, the waiting room was crammed with family waiting on the prognosis of whoever had been admitted. 

Even now after her grandparents have been long gone, Lori's family is still close and despite being miles apart, still provide a great deal of support for each other. When everyone does get together, it is a joyous affair with laughter, smiles, and great conversation.

I consider our own family with six kids to be a close group. There is occasional drama, but nothing that has created long standing issues. Everyone is spread out in Massachusetts, Florida, New Jersey, and central Tennessee, so we don't often see everyone at the same time and go much too long without seeing any one of them. As our two oldest have married (to great partners), we've gotten bigger (and better!) Being together at Allison's wedding was a very special time for me. I am a proud papa of six fantastic kids.

This week, family has taken on an even new dimension. A few days ago, we visited Tamenech's family in Sidama. We spent time with both her mother's side of the family and her father's side of the family. For each, there are aunts and uncles and cousins galore. It is very common in Ethiopia for families to live close together, so there is her maternal grandmother's hut and several structures on her land for the rest of the family, and several houses for the family of her father, now occupied by more uncles, aunts, and cousins. Tamenech's sister is now married so now lives in a home on the land of her father-in-law. When we got together with them, you could sense their closeness and sense of responsibility to the heads of the family. 

There is a long history of conflict between the two sides of the family, at times involving courts and family services. On one of the days, I was asked to join Yonas and members of both sides of her family and a representative from the local branch of women and child services to talk through some long-standing and still simmering issues related to the adoption. It was an hour long conversation, partly because of the need for two translators (Amharic, Sidama, and English were the languages spoken during the meeting). Some misconceptions were put to rest, disputes resolved, and misunderstandings straightened out. Yonas was an amazing partner to have during the conversation, and despite me being scared silly that I might say something that would offend members of each side of the family, some old wounds seemed to have started healing. Yonas referred to me as a diplomat. I don't know about that, but everyone seemed happy and there were lots of hugs and handshakes at the end.Dan'

Despite these long standing issues, they still came together to celebrate Tamenech's return to her birthplace. On our last day in Sidama, many, many, many members of the family came to the lodge at which we were staying to enjoy a family reunion of sorts with laughter, play, and talk. I loved sitting in the shade underneath huge trees and watching everyone interacting. As we departed, I told everyone that although the circumstances that brought Tamenech to our family were difficult, seeing everyone together in support of her was very special, and I considered them to now be part of our family. (Side note: These comments created lots of tears. Really, I don't mean to make people cry, but this is several times here that I've caused this reaction...)

Today, we met Daniel's extended birth family. We had met his biological mother (Tina) several days ago, but today we met grandparents, uncles, aunts, and cousins galore. Shortly after Daniel was born, Tina had moved to Beiruit due to some issues and conflict that had developed. Tina had little if any contact with them for at least fifteen years. When Yonas found her and started working on arrangements for a meeting between her and Daniel, Tina returned to Ethiopia to await our arrival. During that time, she reunited with her family and appears to have healed long simmering wounds. 

Our arrival at Daniel's grandparents house was a joyous occasion with lots of smiles, hugs, and kisses. While the hugs and kisses weren't quite as intense as what we'd experienced in Sidama, they were still much more than what Americans normally practice. 

The compound in which Daniel's family lives is in stark contrast to what we saw in Sidama. The compound is situated right off a busy street in northern Addis Ababa. Getting out of the van, we crossed a small muddy walkway and entered through a corrugated metal gate. Inside was a small muddy courtyard with a modest home in front and several other structures on the left and right. Dozens (and dozens) of people came to greet us, each being introduced to us as a brother or sister of Tina, a spouse, or a child of theirs. We entered the home directly in front of us to greet Tina's parents (and more aunts, uncles, and cousins).

While the home was still modest, it was also a stark contrast to the wood and straw hut of Tamenech's grandmother. This home had a linoleum floor, sofas and chairs, and a television off to one side. Up on the wall was 4x3 poster of a photo taken of our family at Allison's wedding a couple years ago! The floor was strewn with palm leaves. Daniel's grandmother greeted us with (long) hugs and roses and then sat down in a corner to preparecoffee (oh boy did I drink a lot coffee today). All around us, people were sitting and talking. More and more people continued to come in to introduce themselves to us. Tina, herself, was beaming and sat next to Daniel with her arm around him. She brought us a couple of documents from his infancy (a baptism certificate from the Orthodox church and an early medical record) which we scanned. She also showed us several photos of herself, which we also scanned.

 

Even though I didn't understand much of anything that was being said, you could tell that this family loved each other and loved being with each other. While we were taking it all in, a woman walked in and was introduced as the second wife of Daniel's grandfather. Turns out, some of the uncles and aunts were children of Daniel's grandmother and some were the children of the second wife. Initially, I thought this was going to be awkward, but both women also greeted each other warmly and spent some time talking. 

After a ride around town in Tuk Tuks (several of Tina's brothers drive them), we all went to lunch at a restaurant next to the compound, sitting outside in the shade of a large tree, laughing and joking and enjoying each other's company. I will say it was probably my favorite Ethiopian meal this week, if not any time I've come here. Daniel and Tamenech tried raw meat for the first time (I insisted that they only eat a small amount). They said they liked it, that it was quite tasty. I'll take their word for it.

Tina continued to beam and spent a lot of time looking at Daniel, with what appeared to be tremendous pride. Daniel's grandfather stood and gave us a blessing, thanking us for bringing him to reunite with his birth family, and asked that we continue to guide Daniel to be the fine young man he was coming to be. It was a touching moment, one that I will always appreciate.

Again, I told the group how much we enjoyed meeting all of them, how proud we were of him and what he has brought to our family, that we were glad Daniel got to meet them, and that we also considered Daniel's birth family to be our family. 

We returned to the grandparents' home where Daniel had some gifts to present to Tina and her mother and we dropped off a couple suitcases of clothes for the family. Daniel gave Tina a Collierville lacrosse sweatshirt with his name and number on it. He was wearing a Collierville lacrosse hoodie, so it was a special moment to see them next to each other with matching gear. 

Note the poster on the wall behind Daniel and his grandmother!

 

After some family photos, we were next off to Tina's home. 

On the way out, one of Tina's brothers asked if Daniel had another lacrosse sweatshirt. He didn't, but Daniel offered to give him the one he was wearing. Although the brother said no, Daniel insisted, took it off, and handed it to him. Daniel's spirit of generosity is reason 937 why I am so proud of these two this week. 

Collierville lacrosse is well represented in Ethiopia!

Tina does not live in the family compound but has a home a short distance away. Her house was through a metal gate and up a muddy hill past six or seven other homes. The layout was similar to her parents' home, a small living area with a linoleum floor, sofas, and a separate room for her bed. The floor was also strewn with palm leaves and rose petals. On the wall hung a poster of Daniel playing lacrosse (kind of funny that posters of members of our family are hanging throughout Ethiopia). The mother of one of Tina's friends stopped by. She was great at engaging Daniel in conversation, asking him questions about why he is so quiet (he described himself as a listener), whether he has a girlfriend (no, but being patient), and several other questions. Tina served as cookies, kolo (small seeds), and coffee. After a nice visit, we left her, telling her goodbye (we're going to see her again tomorrow).

 

 Our final stop was at Yonas' home for dinner. While he does not live in a compound with family, his in-laws are right down the street and the kids go there quite often. We were the first ones home as his wife and kids were still on their way. There had been a huge rain storm and some of the streets were flooded. 

When they arrived, the excitement as each of his four kids jumped out of the car was evident as they ran to their dad with hugs and giggles. You can see the love Yonas has for his kids by the way his face lights up around them and the way he interacts with them. They are a close knit family that enjoys play and laughter.

Although I grew up in a small family unit, I have embraced the larger family into which I married. I love my own family, with six kids and two sons-in-laws. This week, my family has grown even more, to include previous strangers from the other side of the world. Each family has its own characteristics and personalities, but through it all, a special bond develops that despite its differences, seems to hold together even in the toughest of circumstances. I am so glad that I got to meet Daniel and Tamenech's families and feel that they have accepted Lori and me into their own families.